Condemned

You are afraid of what you have become. Yup, you dont have anything to live for anymore. And it scares you. Shitless. You cant really remember when this hollow experience starts to greet you with its face. Has it been always like this all along. You cant really remember anymore. Was it a week ago or months ago. You dont really know. What you do know is that you have got nothing to lose.

This is sad. You want to feel again. Feeling is what you really want to at this moment. You want to have something to look foward to. Whether it's only a silly coffee session, shopping, movies. Anything you beg. Anything that can make you feel that it is good to be alive and you know damned well that it is a good life that you have. Not a perfect one, but enough some people might say.

Everyday is just the same. You cant really tell anymore. What the difference between today and yesterday or even a week ago. Nope, it's all the same shit, but just different day. You are afraid of what you have become. You go to sleep at night, morbidly wishing that it is ok if you dont have to wake up again. it will be ok. it wont be terrible at all. You know that this is a bordeline suicidal thoughts that you have, but you cant help yourself.

You just want to sleep for a thousand years. At least you will have dreams that keep you entertained.

What was it? What was it that has kept you going for all this time? Was it tiring? Living to one excitement to the next. You just cant believe it anymore. In the concept. In the concept of living. This is supposedly to be a great gift and you just have been wasting most of our time thinking the otherwise. You curse yourself on why cant you just be grateful and enjoy of whatever life will throw at you.

Well you are. Not the enjoying bit part, but the life throw shits and you suppose to make a lemonade bullshit. You dont mind really. You can accept it that life is hard and everyday is a struggle. But please can you be allowed of not wanting it anymore. Cause you cant no longer see the pot of golds at the end of the rainbow. If there is such thing.

You are just tired. And everyday is still the same. And you still want to sleep and never to be woken up again.

Choice

I will still pick him. If I have got to choose from any guy.

If I have a choice. It would still be him.

I dont want the handsome ones. Or the conglomerats. I dont need the smart ones, or the ones with the most funky outfits nor the ones with the coolest jobs. I dont care with the athletic types, the ones with the perfect bodies. Or faces. I dont need the ones with the kindest heart, or those who can make me laugh.I would not see how perfect they would be. And even if I can see it, I still dont want it.

I will still pick him. Anytime.

Missing

What should one do when missing someone so bad, that all she can do is sit and stare blanky while holding back her tears. Her body is aching terribly, gasping for breath, hoping that in every passing second that she would miss him less.

His smell, his smiles, his eyes, his hands, his voice. .....basically all of him.

It's him. It has always been him.

Happy Birthday, my dear

Happy birthday, my dear. Oh how i wish i can be there to celebrate it with you.

I want you to be mature. I want you not to be too stressed on work. I want you to smile more. I want you to play music more. I want you to pursue that photography thing that you love. I want you to travel. I want you to see all your favourite bands on concerts. I want you to laugh out loud. I want you to have a puppy. I want you to have your investement money back. I want you to have a flourish business. I want you to be yourself always, cos you are amazing as you are. I want you to read more. I want you to be able to have all the comics that you want.

And above all that, I want you to be happy.

*kissing your forehead from afar*

A little ray of hope

Tuhan, terima kasih, terima kasih terima kasih.

Saya gak akan bisa cukup mengucapkan terima kasih. Untuk semuanya. Atas segala kekuatan, pencerahan dan pengharapan yang tetap diijinkan untuk saya nikmati.

Saya pikir, saya tidak akan mungkin bisa sekuat itu untuk mengumpulkan lagi pecahan hati saya. Tapi ternyata, setelah sekain banyak tissue yg saya habiskan untuk mengeringkan air mata saya, ratusan doa yang saya panjatkan di kala saya merasa air mata itu akan segera turun, saya kembali bisa menemukan kekuatan dalam diri saya.

Saya tidak akan berhenti berdoa disini. Saya tidak akan berhenti meminta agar Tuhan dapat mengajarkan saya untuk selalu ikhlas dan memaafkan. Bahwa semuanya yang terjadi adalah yang terbaik untuk saya.

Saya ingin sekali memaafkan. Banhwa tidak ada pihak yang salah dalam hal ini semua. Karena apabila saya berada di dalam posis dia, mungkin saya akan berbuat yang sama. Saya hanya berharap ketika jaman dulu, ketika dia berada di posisi saya, ada teman yang dapat menghibur dia. Membantu dia untuk melupakan sakit hatinya. Dan pada akhirnya, membuat dia tertawa. Ah, sayangnya saya belum mengenal dia pada saat itu.

Dear God

Hey, God!

Sorry to bother you again. I just feel like talking to you now. I dont know what to talk about though, I guess you pretty much know most of it anyway.

I guess i am just confused. And terribly lonely. Well I probably too proud to notice that I have wonderful people around me and of course, I have you. But I dont know, I just feel lonely. I feel like talking to someone but I dont know who.

Well actually I know. I want to talk to him. Oh how i miss him. Especially this morning. After you gave me that dream. What did it suppose to mean, the dream I mean. I thoguht I was doing so great, not missing him as much as I used to. But i guess, I am jut delusional. And in denial, big time. Even in the dream, Iwas achingly missing him. Ah, i dont know how to deal with that actually.

I guess you must have a point beyond this, right. I mean you gave me this love, this feeling of certainty, a never ending happiness, then you took it all away. Why? I mean I thought that was what everybody kept saying. Love is the only thing that is important and that once you have foound it, you just knew. Well, I was so damned sure. That we were suppose to be together. I prayed to you, almost everyday that you would not take him away from me.

But you did. You took him away from me. I guess, what i need to know is why. IS it that you want me to learn something? Well I dont know if that'd work as for now what I have learned are never to listen to my inner voice, ever again. Cause it could be wrong. And never trust people that easily anymore. And dont trust love, of course.

See, these are not good. I dont want to learn these things. I still want to be hopefull. I still want to be that girl that always see the glass half full. So im pretty sure, those are not the things that you want me to learn.

So, what is it, then? I'm really stuck here.

Well, its pretty obvious that I have to forgive him. Well probbly I have. I dont know. I think I have to find that out myself. I am pretty sure I have, but then how come I still cant meet him? Is it because I havent forgive him. Or I secretly want to get back to him, so I am scared of letting myself go, by meeting him.

I am so confused here, God. Cos i want to be friend with him. I think he is a good person. And it would be a pity if I really break all connections with him (which what I have done by the way if you notice). But another thing that I am also confuse is he really a good friend material, or is it just my imagination, as that's how I would picture him, interacting with me. Or he will be just a normal friend, treats me like he would to any of his friends. Wow, i even confuse myself here.

Well the bottom line, i guess i dont want to be scared. And i want to learn forgiveness. And I really need your help to do that God. Cos im really helpless now.

Thank you for you time. Sorry about all these blabbering.

Ps: Oh could you please kiss his forehead for me. Thank you.

It's you that i want for my life......

Shattered

I miss you. All the time.

I still do that, you know. Gather all the interesting things that have occured that day, and could not hardly wait to tell you all about it.

Anyway,what is it again, the perfume that you are wearing? It's very soft and comforting. Ah that smell, how i would kill to be able to smell that again.

If we ever meet in the future, will you still hold my hand like you used to? Kiss my forehead before we parted? Or you will be with this another girl. A lot prettier of course. And you's look a lot happier. Compared when you were with me.

Will you smile and look at me like before. We would have our ritual of coffee and cigarretes at our usual places. I guess at those times, even the waitress were jealaous of us. Well i could not be sure though. Cos I only have my eyes on you. And everything else seem irrelevant.

You can bitch about your work, and I would bitch about mine. And then you would tease me with that funny face that have always succeed in making me smile. I would never get bored of that face. Never. And I even love you more for that.

Do you remember that liitle restaurant that we went on our last night in Veitnam? Do you still remember how a perfect that night was. The weather was warm.The lighting was mellowed and we were intoxicated. Well i was anyway.

I thought I could have you forever. The joke is definitely on me now.

And I miss you. All the time.

Christmas Wish

Him. Yes, only him. Nothing else. I dont need need or want anything other than him. I dont need any clothes, branded bags, watches, or even a car. A holiday ticket would be nice, but i guess i have to stick with my first one.

Yes. Just him. Me and him together for the rest of our lives.

So please. Let the big fat man came through the chimney, and hear my little wish.

Limit

Ah saya pingin sama dia terus.Saya pingin nikah sama dia. Ah tapi saya tau kok limit saya. Saya hanya kepingin. Gak ada yang tau. Cuman bikin malu ajah. Sekarang cuman bisa nunggu deh. Nunggu dengan hati gak berhenti berdoa supaya Tuhan gak ambil dia dari saya.

Seharusnya saya harus lebih banyak bersyukur. Bersyukur atas apa yang Tuhan udah kasih ke saya. Ketemu dia ajah udah bagus. Gak kebayang kalo belom ada dia. Bukan karena saya gak bisa idup tanpa laki laki. Tapi ibu saya yg gak bisa. Dan dia bisa bikin saya senang. Bikin saya nyaman.

Tapi kadang kadang saya suka mikir kalo dia terlalu bagus untuk saya. Dan suatu waktu nanti dia bakal nyadar kalo saya perempuan yang membosankan. Gak bisa apa - apa. Gak ada yang bisa ditonjolkan. Gak ada yg bikin saya beda dengan yang lain. Gak ada yang special. Semua standard.

Sedangkan dia?Hm..fisik mungkin standard, tapi dia sungguh pintar. Dan sangat baik. Teman yang menyenangkan dan pacar yang pengertian. Masa depan yang jelas dari keluarga yang baik. Ah betapa banyak wanita yang berharap ada di posisi saya.

Saya takut hari itu akan datang. Dimana dia akan sadar ini semua. Tapi mungkin saya akan rela. Karena saya tau dia berhak mendapatkan pedamping yang lebih dari saya.

Jadi mungkin pengharapan saya harus saya simpan baik - baik. Kalo bisa dilupain. Supaya saya bisa menikmati semua ini selagi ada tanpa beban. Saya harus tau limit saya sendiri. Mungkin dapat menikah adalah suatu hadiah dari Tuhan kepada manusia yang baik dan pantas.

Can you just be grateful for once?

I am such a grand liar. Saying things that I dont really mean, especially when i know that I mean the total opposite. AH life is hard, iguess. A constant struggle day by day. You put a different mask for different occassion and this parade will never going to end. Not unless you die. Those masks, none of it represent you. But you still wear those, just because you know that they dont really want to know the real you underneath.

The chessy, clumsy,akward, shy you. They will laugh at you. I bet they will.

Him

You never have experienced something quite like it before. This is new, you said. This never ending butterflies and fondness so great, you afraid that you might burst one day. You blurted I love you so many times but still, it will just never be enough. You pray endlessly so that He will never take him away from you. Not because you cant function without him, but you jus simply afraid of not being with him.

As being with him is the happiest. You dont know what have you done to deserve this wonderful person, and scare shitless that in an instant, he will be gone, just because you are not worthy to be granted such happiness. Or just your karma is catching up on you.

If time can be freeze, you will just have to stop here and now. Right when you lay you hand on his lap and his caressing your palm. You have more wrinkles in your face, not because you're stressed, but because you just cant stop smiling. It shows and you know it. How your eyes light up when you see him, and how your hands are always looking for his.

You will never believe, how care you have become. You used to be ignorant. But when it comes to him, you just wish that you can create a special blanket to wrap him in, so that he will never get hurt. Ever. You crave for his voice, as silly as it may sound, but you can only sleep after you do. You pray for him endlessly. In fact, he is the first on your list and then you spend more than half of the time praying, that he will be happy. You are even willingly to trade you place for him, just because you dont want him to be sad.

There this nagging feeling inside you, saying that he's the one. You didnt even believe in the concept of the One before but you just know it. Spending the night together is something to look foward to, not because of the kisses, or even the sex, but because you can hold him all night through. You burried your face on his back and your ashtma didnt left your breathless. And when the morning comes, you just wish that you can hold him some more.

You would never thought that this can be happening to you. Above all people, you thought that this can only happen to those who are just lucky, prettier or even nicer. You are really did not know why he picked you. But he did and he is just the most profound thing in your life right know.

As with him, you are at your happiest and you just want to be with him until you are old and grey, until you cant utter I love you as often as the time has take its toll on you, so you'd just hold his hand instead.

Hopes and Wishes

1. Be a better person - inside and out. Gain more wisdom, patience and faith for everything i do
2. Expertly drive the frikkin' automatic car
3. Smile more
4. Have more determination towards my job or at least have the courage to make a change that I have always wanted
5. Not to be bitter anymore, remain hopeful always
6. Be cautious but will never think about the end before it even began
7. Be more trusting - towards other people and myself
8. Love and accept my parents as they are. They'd still nag but at least they are the one that will catch me from falling
9. Find my dearest friends few eligible bachelors to date
10. and continuosly have more and more butterflies in my stomach..towards him

Love Stories

1. A girl and a boy were introduced by a mutual friend. The boy spent 6 months to pursue the girl who obviously did not habour the same feelings But the girl was too young. Too inexpereince to handle the 7-years-older boy. She had her first kiss. It was gentle and sweet. She lost her innocence too. Too painful to be remembered. The the boy grew tired of giving efforts but with no result. He wanted to let go. She didn't. Fondness has grew inside her. She was accustomed with him around. In her apartment and in her bed.

Their relationship had its expiry date. For them, it was two years after the girl said "Yes". Two years filled with contentness, security for she felt that the boy sure did love her. Though in his own way that sometimes the girl dissapproved. He was too possessive. In the name of protection, he said.

Three times. Yes there were three occassions when he slapped her.

And thousands of times when he screamed at her. She at him. Throwing names, curses and hatred.

And it took her the third slap to finally see that her heart was numb. For whatever feeling that she used to have for him, it was scraped little by little everytime they fought and called names. Until they were all gone. She did not shed a single tear.

She still see him once in a while. She'd run to him whenever she got her heart broken. She still feels that security with him though years have passed, as his love for her would never be forgotten

2. A girl saw a boy. Her old friend from back in the days. She was smitten. He was cool and quiet. He has that dark mysterious aura with him. She was hooked. Deeply. She then charmed her way into his life. She kept trying though she knew that she was just not his type. Distance literally emerged between them. But she kept those hopes. Until finally she was in. The love struct couple enjoyed their time. Though thousand of seconds were between them, they were seriously in love.

It only took them a year to finally let go. She was finally being afraid of the distance. It has became this scary looking monster that she did not know how to face. She wanted to see her baby all the time but this monster did not let her. He was hurt. And they are still not talking to each other until present. She wants to rekindle their friendship, but he was too badly hurt.

He said "It hurts if love means letting go". Then she just realised how she has wasted that love that he had for her.

3. A girl liked a boy. One of her close friends to be exact. She was seriously falling for him. But the truth was her best friend, too. She let it go. The friend was far much more important to her than the boy. She kept her feelings well under wraps, hoping one day she'd forget about them.

4. A girl met a boy. Through the grapevine, she heard that the boy was attracted to her. Quite strange actually as the boy was one of the "in-crowd". He was cute and really nice. It only took them a week to establish that they were an item. She was falling fast and hard. "this is a good catch. I cant just believe my luck" she kept telling herself.

He cooked for her and did what other blissfull couples would do. He treated her like a princess and indeed called her that on a few occassions.She was truly happy. She did not care about the world as she only cared for him. Their moments were bittersweet as they were too beautiful to be remembered as their time was only a year. Too precious to be forgotten but too hurtful to be reminded. She has found what she has been looking for, then she lost it. She was the one to call it quits, but she felt that she was the one who get dumped. For she had knit their future together. He was perfect for her but it turned out, she was not for him.

The girl's heart is still bruised until now. They only talked occassionally for she is afraid that if she let him too close, she will be back in that deep hole of sadness and grief.

5. A girl uncovered the hidden feelings that she had for a certain boy within her cold heart. The feelings crept slowy beneath her unconcious minds and emerged rapidly when the boy made her laugh. She could not hide it any longer. She was a girl in love and logic did not sit well with her at that moment. She confessed her feelings to him. She just needed to say it out loud. She did not expect her feelings to be returned as she realised that she has loved with all her might and if he did not have the same feelings, at least she has loved.

She wrote the boy a confession letter and never get a reply until now. They are still friends. They pretend that nothing has been said. But the girl is still longingly hope for him.

6. A girl met a boy. She knew that he was interested. He made it clear from the beginning.But she did not as he was younger than her. She was terribly lonely. Though with no intention of hurthing anyone, she accepted the intention. She enjoyed them for a while.

But she realised that the boy is not a good match for her. His road is still long and he has dreams to chase. He had different priorities and she was not even in it. She felt that love has crept again within her but she had to kill it. Before it went too far. Before it ruins him and her.

7. A girl was introduced to a boy through their mutual friends.She was not attracted in the beginning. But, the boy *sigh*, he is genuinely a nice guy. He made her very happy. He made her comfortable with her own skin. He made her felt like she was loved.

She never asked for anything from the boy, as him was a gift itself. She truly cherished all the moments that they have spent together. He made her wish that she could stop the time so that she can be with him forever. If she thought that she knew love before, she was so wrong as she never felt like this before. As stupid as it's sound, she would even give her life for him as she didnt want to see him sad. She wished she could take all his pain so he could be happy always.

In her eyes, he was everything that she ever wanted and looked for. She secretly played days and nights that God would never take him from her. God would never be that cruel. She had faith for both of them. She built her life around him. And their future. She could imagine it vividly. That they would grow old together.

She was just speechless. Difficult to find the exact words to describe the happiness that she once felt.

But like everything else in her life, he never loved her. He could not see their future together. He just never did.

If she didnt think about her parents, she might have just killed her self. She cant function without him. For him always be there at the end of each day, with that comforting voice and smile. She was so afraid. She was terribly sad. The tears just never seemed to be stopping. She can just burst anytime now. The only thing that she could do is just to pray for strenght. She's not sure that she will ever get over this or how.

Now she is crying. All alone in her office. Praying that no one will enter the room.

8. A girl has not meet any boy yet. She is still waiting for her happy ending.

One for My Baby

It's quarter to three
There's no one in the place
Except you and me

So set em' up Joe
I got a little story
You oughta know
We're drinkin' my friend
To the end of a brief episode

So make it one for my baby
And one more for the road

I know the routine
So put another nickel
In that there machine
I'm feelin' so bad
Will you make the music
Pretty and sad
I could tell you alot
But you've gotta' be true to your code

So make it one for my baby
And one more for the road

You would never know it
But buddy I'm a kind of poet
And I've got alot of things I'd like to say
And if I'm gloomy
Please listen to me

Till its all talked away

Well, that's how it goes
And Joe I know
You're gettin' pretty anxious to close
So thanks for the cheer
I hope you didn't mind,
My bend in your ear

This torch that I've found
It's got be drowned
Or it soon might explode.

So make it one for my baby
And one more for the road
That long, man it's long
It's a long long road

(Frank Sinatra)

Thank You!

God indeed has blessed me
With the wonderful best friends that always manage to put the smiles back into my days, no matter how hard the road are taking me
With a loving family that always make me feel secure and loved
With the work collegues, that with the advices, jokes and act of kindness always make me close to the tears of gratefulness

So whenever I feel that my world is so dark and I cant see any lights, I hope I can always be reminded of these
I feel so blessed

Your Inner Child Is Surprised

You see many things through the eyes of a child.Meaning, you're rarely cynical or jaded.You cherish all of the details in life.Easily fascinated, you enjoy experiencing new things.

How Is Your Inner Child?

Your Personality Is

Guardian (SJ) You are sensible, down to earth, and goal oriented. Bottom line, you are good at playing by the rules. You tend to be dominant - and you are a natural leader. You are interested in rules and order. Morals are important to you. A hard worker, you give your all at whatever you do. You're very serious, and people often tell you to lighten up. In love, you tend to take things carefully and slowly. At work, you are suited to almost any career - but you excel in leadership positions. With others, you tend to be polite and formal. As far as looks go, you are traditionally attractive. You take good care of yourself. On weekends, you tend to like to do organized activities. In fact, you often organize them!

The Three Question Personality Test

Apa sih susahnya?

Apa sih susahnya bilang..."great job!!!" , "u're doing great, really appreciate it" , "thank you for your effort", etc

Padahal itu gampang loh bilangnya. Gak usah pake otak, cuman beberapa huruf standard bahasa indonesia, bisa bikin kryawannya seneng. Senenga berhari - hari, bahkan sampai mingguan.

Heran deh, baru mau ngangkat motivasi diri sendiri supaya bisa kerja lebih bagus lagi, sekarang digituin.
Emangnya saya 'invincible" yah? Gak punya perasaan?

Sekarang mood ngedrop gila gilaan..
Boro2 mau kerja bener..mau nge yoga ajah yang pewe itu malesnya amit amit

Sekali lagi dia begitu, saya mau ngasih teko cantik ah...

*menarik napas sambil tersenyum pait*

Working in a men world

To him, I'm probably nothing
Just a young girl, trying her luck at the corporate - men biased world
With clothes that I wear everyday, or the way I speak and laugh
He probably think that I dont know what I am talking bout, let alone what I am doing

He never realised how much I want to please him
For me, just a little criticism from him feels like a hard slap at the back, force me to try harder
Just a small mistake that I did, makes me feel like a total failure

He never remember those days when basically I did most of his jobs
Cleaned up his mess because he was just too coward to deal with them himself

To him, I am just a fresh graduate, and in the process of doing my training
To him, I am good only for administrative works
Well, I guess, patience has a limit and it's definitely not my virtue