Today is one of those days..when you just want to curl up under the doona..and refuse to face life. Especially with the grey in the sky, and with the occasionally rain...you just want to cry. Not that I want to cry exactly...but I felt so burdened by this expectation - from work and family, that it seems that I would never be able to catch up.
Work expectation is simpler to handle. I just have to accept whatever criticism that goes my way..from people that dont really understand the extend of the job that I am doing. It sucks, I know. But I guess, it pays to be the boss. I always thought that I am the kind of person who can accepts criticism lightly, never really feel offended or anything. You can scold me, argue or even scream at me..but I would never take it personally. It just stays for a while and then it would fades easily. But this particular ctitcism is different. Somehow, everytime I think about it, feels like a knife just cut right into my heart.
Family expectation is the one that I more concerned about. Just this morning, my mom told me that she doesnt want anything for her birthday. Instead she only asks for one special gift.."the day that you told me that you have finally have a boyfriend...that is the gift that i've been waiting for". Righttttttt...........
Little does she know..that for the past weeks, I have sms-es, have little dates here and there with this guy that I dont like. I am willing to lower my bar as I know that my mom would be really happy if finally I have a boyfriend. I have tried and tried to like the guy..just a little bit...with no avail. He's a nice guy..dont get me wrong...but I just dont like him. It's true when people say that rarely you can get what you want and at the same time you get what you dont want. And sometime what you want is not always what you need. And the tricky bit is you cant differentiate the two. Confused?..me too.
So I guess, for the time being, I would just at least try to enjoy the ride. Enjoy the attention that he's given me. Have to admit, little tenderness and caring wont hurt. I guess, this is the easy way out. Easier than to argue with mom - to make her understand that there are more other improtant things in life, other than searching for a boyfriend . Easier than to broke the poor guy's heart after all his efforts. And I guess, easier than to calm my self that my time to have that special someone has not yet to come.
Friday, January 27, 2006
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Past, Present and Future
Came across this kind of post in a stranger's blog ( I am sooo productive during my working hours, huh?). Anyway, am thinking how interestnig it will be if I do one my self....
20 Years Ago
Well practically I cant remember anything as I was still a toddler. But from I've heard from family and relatives, I was an easy child. I was quiet and easily preoccupied with my own mind and world. My obervation nature has also showed during this period. They said that I would like to stare at objects that I found interesting. Well sometimes, it didn't have to be an object, I would like to stare at people too. Nonetheless, I still has this nature of mine. I guess, there's a truth about that theory that says a child personality will be greatly influenced by their first three years of living. Oh well....
10 Years Ago
I was in final year of middle school and I had fun during the year. I've found great friends that still remain until now. I have my first crush to this boy in my class, whom I thought has the cutest smile ever. I wore this thick glasses, therefore I am not that popular during my younger days. I was also an akward teenager with a very low self-confidence. But whatever happened during those years, I still have a great time. But one thing that I can still remember, that I liked to write my diary at nights which only consisted of one thing....I prayed that I can be prettier so boys could be easily attracted to me (so I guess you know what happened to my little crush, back then)
5 Years Ago
I was having the time of my life!!!! I was in Melbourne - my lovely, lovely city. It was my first year in Uni..took Architecture which was a torture due to lack of creativity and dilligency from my side. Just found my two bestest buddies by coincidence. God has His own plan, afterall. The 1st one I've met in a plane journey back to Melbourne after a summer holiday back home. I knew this girl previously, as she was the girlfriend of my ex's best friend but we never had the chance to talk. And in that plane, we were supposedly caught it with our respective boyfriends, but things happened..so I bumped into her in Bali's airport when we have transited and just talked. the next thing I knew.she's still my best friend until today.
The 2nd one I've met in one of my classes. He didn't look like Indonesian and he had this scary-dont-approcah-me-as-i-dont-want-to-be-friend-with-you look. But I was desperate for a friend and my gut was telling me that he's not that scary afterall. And I was right. And I cant imagine my life without having them......
3 Years Ago
I was still in Melbourne, doing my final year in Uni. Has changed major from architectue to construction which is not bad at all. Went out with my 3rd boyfriend and had a strange relationship with him. Him and I werethe kind of people that need to be surrounded by our friends..so sometimes his friends or mine could get in the way. However..whenever we managed to find time to meet each other...it was fun. But I guess..due to lack of commitment from his side..we had to break it off. And it was the most heart-breaking experience that I have encounter. Learnt to be cynical afterwards.
Last Year
Working my ass off by doing something that I thought I would enjoy...Days consisted only for working..and sometime unable to tell the difference each day from the others. Still missing Melbourne so much. But finally few of my best friends had also joined me in Jakarta..so it was not that bad. Just had a Lasik surgery...which was painful afterwards..but grateful by the experience as now I dont have to wear contacts and do other attributes attached to it. Tried to find a boyfriend..but it went down the drain..Was closed to a guy who did not know what he want from life..and I was bored waiting from him to make the decision. Also..my biggest achievement ever...I started to teach!!! Yeah....i teach English to these 4th and 5th graders. The kids are gorgeous and I just love them to bits.
This year
Still working my ass off in the same career. But promised myself that will find other job..if there's no new things that can make me excited and challeged. Also promised my self to learn how to drive.Finally!!!!. Still teaching at the yayasan...And also..promised my self not to be cynical anymore as the wound has healed completely.
Next Year
Has a change in career or at least is giving a different project. Has a better and fulfilling salary..(afterall..I am working for the money). I can drive...I am better inside and out... My teeth braces finally can come off....and will so doing that teeth bleeching thing as I believe..smile is a girl's best weapon.
10 Year
Has a cerrer that I can be proud of. It doesnt have to be some high flyer-powerful-with high salary kind of jobs...but really something I that I would be love doing.l Something that I know that I can picture myself doing it even when I'm old and retire. In terms of domestic live, hopefully by then I have 4 wonderful kids with a marriage that still has a strong passion and understanding. Living in a humble-size house that is nicely decorated. I still have a great friendship with my best friends. And has added few more countries to the list of my adventure.
However if by then I still end up living alone, hopefully I can afford living by myself (still living with parents by this age is just plain pathetic). And has gained the wisdom that living alone is merely by choice..not fate.
20 Years Ago
Well practically I cant remember anything as I was still a toddler. But from I've heard from family and relatives, I was an easy child. I was quiet and easily preoccupied with my own mind and world. My obervation nature has also showed during this period. They said that I would like to stare at objects that I found interesting. Well sometimes, it didn't have to be an object, I would like to stare at people too. Nonetheless, I still has this nature of mine. I guess, there's a truth about that theory that says a child personality will be greatly influenced by their first three years of living. Oh well....
10 Years Ago
I was in final year of middle school and I had fun during the year. I've found great friends that still remain until now. I have my first crush to this boy in my class, whom I thought has the cutest smile ever. I wore this thick glasses, therefore I am not that popular during my younger days. I was also an akward teenager with a very low self-confidence. But whatever happened during those years, I still have a great time. But one thing that I can still remember, that I liked to write my diary at nights which only consisted of one thing....I prayed that I can be prettier so boys could be easily attracted to me (so I guess you know what happened to my little crush, back then)
5 Years Ago
I was having the time of my life!!!! I was in Melbourne - my lovely, lovely city. It was my first year in Uni..took Architecture which was a torture due to lack of creativity and dilligency from my side. Just found my two bestest buddies by coincidence. God has His own plan, afterall. The 1st one I've met in a plane journey back to Melbourne after a summer holiday back home. I knew this girl previously, as she was the girlfriend of my ex's best friend but we never had the chance to talk. And in that plane, we were supposedly caught it with our respective boyfriends, but things happened..so I bumped into her in Bali's airport when we have transited and just talked. the next thing I knew.she's still my best friend until today.
The 2nd one I've met in one of my classes. He didn't look like Indonesian and he had this scary-dont-approcah-me-as-i-dont-want-to-be-friend-with-you look. But I was desperate for a friend and my gut was telling me that he's not that scary afterall. And I was right. And I cant imagine my life without having them......
3 Years Ago
I was still in Melbourne, doing my final year in Uni. Has changed major from architectue to construction which is not bad at all. Went out with my 3rd boyfriend and had a strange relationship with him. Him and I werethe kind of people that need to be surrounded by our friends..so sometimes his friends or mine could get in the way. However..whenever we managed to find time to meet each other...it was fun. But I guess..due to lack of commitment from his side..we had to break it off. And it was the most heart-breaking experience that I have encounter. Learnt to be cynical afterwards.
Last Year
Working my ass off by doing something that I thought I would enjoy...Days consisted only for working..and sometime unable to tell the difference each day from the others. Still missing Melbourne so much. But finally few of my best friends had also joined me in Jakarta..so it was not that bad. Just had a Lasik surgery...which was painful afterwards..but grateful by the experience as now I dont have to wear contacts and do other attributes attached to it. Tried to find a boyfriend..but it went down the drain..Was closed to a guy who did not know what he want from life..and I was bored waiting from him to make the decision. Also..my biggest achievement ever...I started to teach!!! Yeah....i teach English to these 4th and 5th graders. The kids are gorgeous and I just love them to bits.
This year
Still working my ass off in the same career. But promised myself that will find other job..if there's no new things that can make me excited and challeged. Also promised my self to learn how to drive.Finally!!!!. Still teaching at the yayasan...And also..promised my self not to be cynical anymore as the wound has healed completely.
Next Year
Has a change in career or at least is giving a different project. Has a better and fulfilling salary..(afterall..I am working for the money). I can drive...I am better inside and out... My teeth braces finally can come off....and will so doing that teeth bleeching thing as I believe..smile is a girl's best weapon.
10 Year
Has a cerrer that I can be proud of. It doesnt have to be some high flyer-powerful-with high salary kind of jobs...but really something I that I would be love doing.l Something that I know that I can picture myself doing it even when I'm old and retire. In terms of domestic live, hopefully by then I have 4 wonderful kids with a marriage that still has a strong passion and understanding. Living in a humble-size house that is nicely decorated. I still have a great friendship with my best friends. And has added few more countries to the list of my adventure.
However if by then I still end up living alone, hopefully I can afford living by myself (still living with parents by this age is just plain pathetic). And has gained the wisdom that living alone is merely by choice..not fate.
Wednesday, January 18, 2006
PMS-ing perhaps?!
This morning..just when I was about to reach my workplace, I came across a somewhat-sweet scene which hunted me until now. There was this middle aged man, pressumably a "tukang ojek", equipped with all his attributes such as leather jacket, handkerchief tied to his neck, and a red faded t-shirt underneath the jacket and a used-to-be-black trousers. He was sitting at the side of the pavement with his helmet laid near him. He looked like he was waiting for someone of something.
Then, out of nowhere, came this stray cat, old and dirty and I bet was smelly too. The guy, then just picked up the cat unto his lap and he gently patted the cat. Over and over again.
I know that for some poeple, there is nothing special about this scene. But for me, while also urged by this bloody PMS, thought that there is nothing more beautiful to start my day than watching such scene.
I just wish that I can come across such scene more often. Where poeple will pat strangers gently.
Then, out of nowhere, came this stray cat, old and dirty and I bet was smelly too. The guy, then just picked up the cat unto his lap and he gently patted the cat. Over and over again.
I know that for some poeple, there is nothing special about this scene. But for me, while also urged by this bloody PMS, thought that there is nothing more beautiful to start my day than watching such scene.
I just wish that I can come across such scene more often. Where poeple will pat strangers gently.
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