Happy Birthday, my dear

Happy birthday, my dear. Oh how i wish i can be there to celebrate it with you.

I want you to be mature. I want you not to be too stressed on work. I want you to smile more. I want you to play music more. I want you to pursue that photography thing that you love. I want you to travel. I want you to see all your favourite bands on concerts. I want you to laugh out loud. I want you to have a puppy. I want you to have your investement money back. I want you to have a flourish business. I want you to be yourself always, cos you are amazing as you are. I want you to read more. I want you to be able to have all the comics that you want.

And above all that, I want you to be happy.

*kissing your forehead from afar*

A little ray of hope

Tuhan, terima kasih, terima kasih terima kasih.

Saya gak akan bisa cukup mengucapkan terima kasih. Untuk semuanya. Atas segala kekuatan, pencerahan dan pengharapan yang tetap diijinkan untuk saya nikmati.

Saya pikir, saya tidak akan mungkin bisa sekuat itu untuk mengumpulkan lagi pecahan hati saya. Tapi ternyata, setelah sekain banyak tissue yg saya habiskan untuk mengeringkan air mata saya, ratusan doa yang saya panjatkan di kala saya merasa air mata itu akan segera turun, saya kembali bisa menemukan kekuatan dalam diri saya.

Saya tidak akan berhenti berdoa disini. Saya tidak akan berhenti meminta agar Tuhan dapat mengajarkan saya untuk selalu ikhlas dan memaafkan. Bahwa semuanya yang terjadi adalah yang terbaik untuk saya.

Saya ingin sekali memaafkan. Banhwa tidak ada pihak yang salah dalam hal ini semua. Karena apabila saya berada di dalam posis dia, mungkin saya akan berbuat yang sama. Saya hanya berharap ketika jaman dulu, ketika dia berada di posisi saya, ada teman yang dapat menghibur dia. Membantu dia untuk melupakan sakit hatinya. Dan pada akhirnya, membuat dia tertawa. Ah, sayangnya saya belum mengenal dia pada saat itu.

Dear God

Hey, God!

Sorry to bother you again. I just feel like talking to you now. I dont know what to talk about though, I guess you pretty much know most of it anyway.

I guess i am just confused. And terribly lonely. Well I probably too proud to notice that I have wonderful people around me and of course, I have you. But I dont know, I just feel lonely. I feel like talking to someone but I dont know who.

Well actually I know. I want to talk to him. Oh how i miss him. Especially this morning. After you gave me that dream. What did it suppose to mean, the dream I mean. I thoguht I was doing so great, not missing him as much as I used to. But i guess, I am jut delusional. And in denial, big time. Even in the dream, Iwas achingly missing him. Ah, i dont know how to deal with that actually.

I guess you must have a point beyond this, right. I mean you gave me this love, this feeling of certainty, a never ending happiness, then you took it all away. Why? I mean I thought that was what everybody kept saying. Love is the only thing that is important and that once you have foound it, you just knew. Well, I was so damned sure. That we were suppose to be together. I prayed to you, almost everyday that you would not take him away from me.

But you did. You took him away from me. I guess, what i need to know is why. IS it that you want me to learn something? Well I dont know if that'd work as for now what I have learned are never to listen to my inner voice, ever again. Cause it could be wrong. And never trust people that easily anymore. And dont trust love, of course.

See, these are not good. I dont want to learn these things. I still want to be hopefull. I still want to be that girl that always see the glass half full. So im pretty sure, those are not the things that you want me to learn.

So, what is it, then? I'm really stuck here.

Well, its pretty obvious that I have to forgive him. Well probbly I have. I dont know. I think I have to find that out myself. I am pretty sure I have, but then how come I still cant meet him? Is it because I havent forgive him. Or I secretly want to get back to him, so I am scared of letting myself go, by meeting him.

I am so confused here, God. Cos i want to be friend with him. I think he is a good person. And it would be a pity if I really break all connections with him (which what I have done by the way if you notice). But another thing that I am also confuse is he really a good friend material, or is it just my imagination, as that's how I would picture him, interacting with me. Or he will be just a normal friend, treats me like he would to any of his friends. Wow, i even confuse myself here.

Well the bottom line, i guess i dont want to be scared. And i want to learn forgiveness. And I really need your help to do that God. Cos im really helpless now.

Thank you for you time. Sorry about all these blabbering.

Ps: Oh could you please kiss his forehead for me. Thank you.