Condemned

You are afraid of what you have become. Yup, you dont have anything to live for anymore. And it scares you. Shitless. You cant really remember when this hollow experience starts to greet you with its face. Has it been always like this all along. You cant really remember anymore. Was it a week ago or months ago. You dont really know. What you do know is that you have got nothing to lose.

This is sad. You want to feel again. Feeling is what you really want to at this moment. You want to have something to look foward to. Whether it's only a silly coffee session, shopping, movies. Anything you beg. Anything that can make you feel that it is good to be alive and you know damned well that it is a good life that you have. Not a perfect one, but enough some people might say.

Everyday is just the same. You cant really tell anymore. What the difference between today and yesterday or even a week ago. Nope, it's all the same shit, but just different day. You are afraid of what you have become. You go to sleep at night, morbidly wishing that it is ok if you dont have to wake up again. it will be ok. it wont be terrible at all. You know that this is a bordeline suicidal thoughts that you have, but you cant help yourself.

You just want to sleep for a thousand years. At least you will have dreams that keep you entertained.

What was it? What was it that has kept you going for all this time? Was it tiring? Living to one excitement to the next. You just cant believe it anymore. In the concept. In the concept of living. This is supposedly to be a great gift and you just have been wasting most of our time thinking the otherwise. You curse yourself on why cant you just be grateful and enjoy of whatever life will throw at you.

Well you are. Not the enjoying bit part, but the life throw shits and you suppose to make a lemonade bullshit. You dont mind really. You can accept it that life is hard and everyday is a struggle. But please can you be allowed of not wanting it anymore. Cause you cant no longer see the pot of golds at the end of the rainbow. If there is such thing.

You are just tired. And everyday is still the same. And you still want to sleep and never to be woken up again.

Choice

I will still pick him. If I have got to choose from any guy.

If I have a choice. It would still be him.

I dont want the handsome ones. Or the conglomerats. I dont need the smart ones, or the ones with the most funky outfits nor the ones with the coolest jobs. I dont care with the athletic types, the ones with the perfect bodies. Or faces. I dont need the ones with the kindest heart, or those who can make me laugh.I would not see how perfect they would be. And even if I can see it, I still dont want it.

I will still pick him. Anytime.

Missing

What should one do when missing someone so bad, that all she can do is sit and stare blanky while holding back her tears. Her body is aching terribly, gasping for breath, hoping that in every passing second that she would miss him less.

His smell, his smiles, his eyes, his hands, his voice. .....basically all of him.

It's him. It has always been him.

Happy Birthday, my dear

Happy birthday, my dear. Oh how i wish i can be there to celebrate it with you.

I want you to be mature. I want you not to be too stressed on work. I want you to smile more. I want you to play music more. I want you to pursue that photography thing that you love. I want you to travel. I want you to see all your favourite bands on concerts. I want you to laugh out loud. I want you to have a puppy. I want you to have your investement money back. I want you to have a flourish business. I want you to be yourself always, cos you are amazing as you are. I want you to read more. I want you to be able to have all the comics that you want.

And above all that, I want you to be happy.

*kissing your forehead from afar*

A little ray of hope

Tuhan, terima kasih, terima kasih terima kasih.

Saya gak akan bisa cukup mengucapkan terima kasih. Untuk semuanya. Atas segala kekuatan, pencerahan dan pengharapan yang tetap diijinkan untuk saya nikmati.

Saya pikir, saya tidak akan mungkin bisa sekuat itu untuk mengumpulkan lagi pecahan hati saya. Tapi ternyata, setelah sekain banyak tissue yg saya habiskan untuk mengeringkan air mata saya, ratusan doa yang saya panjatkan di kala saya merasa air mata itu akan segera turun, saya kembali bisa menemukan kekuatan dalam diri saya.

Saya tidak akan berhenti berdoa disini. Saya tidak akan berhenti meminta agar Tuhan dapat mengajarkan saya untuk selalu ikhlas dan memaafkan. Bahwa semuanya yang terjadi adalah yang terbaik untuk saya.

Saya ingin sekali memaafkan. Banhwa tidak ada pihak yang salah dalam hal ini semua. Karena apabila saya berada di dalam posis dia, mungkin saya akan berbuat yang sama. Saya hanya berharap ketika jaman dulu, ketika dia berada di posisi saya, ada teman yang dapat menghibur dia. Membantu dia untuk melupakan sakit hatinya. Dan pada akhirnya, membuat dia tertawa. Ah, sayangnya saya belum mengenal dia pada saat itu.

Dear God

Hey, God!

Sorry to bother you again. I just feel like talking to you now. I dont know what to talk about though, I guess you pretty much know most of it anyway.

I guess i am just confused. And terribly lonely. Well I probably too proud to notice that I have wonderful people around me and of course, I have you. But I dont know, I just feel lonely. I feel like talking to someone but I dont know who.

Well actually I know. I want to talk to him. Oh how i miss him. Especially this morning. After you gave me that dream. What did it suppose to mean, the dream I mean. I thoguht I was doing so great, not missing him as much as I used to. But i guess, I am jut delusional. And in denial, big time. Even in the dream, Iwas achingly missing him. Ah, i dont know how to deal with that actually.

I guess you must have a point beyond this, right. I mean you gave me this love, this feeling of certainty, a never ending happiness, then you took it all away. Why? I mean I thought that was what everybody kept saying. Love is the only thing that is important and that once you have foound it, you just knew. Well, I was so damned sure. That we were suppose to be together. I prayed to you, almost everyday that you would not take him away from me.

But you did. You took him away from me. I guess, what i need to know is why. IS it that you want me to learn something? Well I dont know if that'd work as for now what I have learned are never to listen to my inner voice, ever again. Cause it could be wrong. And never trust people that easily anymore. And dont trust love, of course.

See, these are not good. I dont want to learn these things. I still want to be hopefull. I still want to be that girl that always see the glass half full. So im pretty sure, those are not the things that you want me to learn.

So, what is it, then? I'm really stuck here.

Well, its pretty obvious that I have to forgive him. Well probbly I have. I dont know. I think I have to find that out myself. I am pretty sure I have, but then how come I still cant meet him? Is it because I havent forgive him. Or I secretly want to get back to him, so I am scared of letting myself go, by meeting him.

I am so confused here, God. Cos i want to be friend with him. I think he is a good person. And it would be a pity if I really break all connections with him (which what I have done by the way if you notice). But another thing that I am also confuse is he really a good friend material, or is it just my imagination, as that's how I would picture him, interacting with me. Or he will be just a normal friend, treats me like he would to any of his friends. Wow, i even confuse myself here.

Well the bottom line, i guess i dont want to be scared. And i want to learn forgiveness. And I really need your help to do that God. Cos im really helpless now.

Thank you for you time. Sorry about all these blabbering.

Ps: Oh could you please kiss his forehead for me. Thank you.

It's you that i want for my life......

Shattered

I miss you. All the time.

I still do that, you know. Gather all the interesting things that have occured that day, and could not hardly wait to tell you all about it.

Anyway,what is it again, the perfume that you are wearing? It's very soft and comforting. Ah that smell, how i would kill to be able to smell that again.

If we ever meet in the future, will you still hold my hand like you used to? Kiss my forehead before we parted? Or you will be with this another girl. A lot prettier of course. And you's look a lot happier. Compared when you were with me.

Will you smile and look at me like before. We would have our ritual of coffee and cigarretes at our usual places. I guess at those times, even the waitress were jealaous of us. Well i could not be sure though. Cos I only have my eyes on you. And everything else seem irrelevant.

You can bitch about your work, and I would bitch about mine. And then you would tease me with that funny face that have always succeed in making me smile. I would never get bored of that face. Never. And I even love you more for that.

Do you remember that liitle restaurant that we went on our last night in Veitnam? Do you still remember how a perfect that night was. The weather was warm.The lighting was mellowed and we were intoxicated. Well i was anyway.

I thought I could have you forever. The joke is definitely on me now.

And I miss you. All the time.