Idiot!!!!!!

Shit!!!!!!!I think I've made a wrong decision.....again. But this time is serious as it involved other people's heart and my already - bad karma. Oh God...

I should have follow my heart...but nooooooooo... I chose to listen to my brain (you stupid brain...go away...you!!). I should have known that if it the matter of the hearts, one should not be forced..especially me..who has a very stubborn nature as one of my traits.

I will soooo have to pay for this in the future. I think I will be cursed for the next 7 generation. How can I be so stupid!I have known the answer all this time..but either Im too stupid to realize it or I am just too ignorant. Either way...it's all my fault.

There's this guy, two years younger than me. Few years back, he had a crush on me. Well I rejected him at that time, thinking "What will I do with this younger guy??". Note: I am a firm believer that age might not reflects your level of maturity but sometimes it does reflect the level of expereinces. And expereinces teach you to be the person you are now. I also did not find him attractive physically. And he talks too much!!! Waaaayyyyyy too much for a guy.

Fast foward to 2006, out of the blue this guy sms-ed me and he still has a crush on me *well...a tad serious than that, to be honest*. And to be honest, I am flattered. So flattered that I agreed to go out with him regularly. I thought, "Hey..it's not that I have more interesting things to do every weekends, anyway". And after spending 3 years man - free for every weekend, it feels rather nice to have someone to pick you up, dine you and accompany you. And another important factor: my mom has quit to nag me every weekend if she sees me at home with no guy in sight.

So after several weeks of "dating", the guy seems anxious to know the state of our relationship. Where are we going, are we official, do I have feelings for him, etc. At first, I know that basically, I dont like him romantically. I enjoy his company but that's as far as the rabbit's hole goes. But looking at his face, and seeing how much effort he has given, I just dont have the heart to tell him the truth. So in my own way, I asked him to wait as I could not give the answer right away.

So while I spent time thinking, I was also busied myself with praying, asking God to make me at least be able to like him, just a little bit. If that happens, it will solve my problem easily.

To make the long story short, after several agonising weeks, I have agreed to say "yes" to his offer. Yes, I have chosen at least to try this relationship and make it work - based on my theory and past experiences that it's better for women to have relationship with men that are a lot more into her than she into him.

Wrongggggggg!!!!!!Yesterday, in a cafe, while watching him talking about something *yes.he still talks that much*, suddenly I realize that "Helllooooo....I dont know what I'm doing here with you".

I think the novelty has passed. The novelty of having a guy that adores you.

And there's nothing I can do about it now. I really have to learn to like him somehow.

It's so true to "You can rarely get what you want, and on the same time, you always get what you dont want".

Oh God, why can I just be able to want what is being given to me.